Everything beyond words.

Showing posts with label #bemyself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #bemyself. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 8, 2026

A little girl once wandered through the world believing she could find a single green leaf, one that could grow into an entire tree. She explored with an open heart, welcoming people, places, and every unfamiliar path. But as time passed, she realized that none of the leaves were green anymore. Every breath became heavier than the last. Every wound promised to heal, yet somehow grew deeper instead. Eventually, she found herself lost in a forest on a lonely hill.

She never told anyone. She carried the silence alone.

One day, she found a bear. 

Instead of running, she provoked it. Instead of fearing it, she tamed it. Perhaps it was because she had become just as fierce as the creature itself. The bear stayed by her side, driving away every beast that came too close whether they meant her harm or kindness. With the bear beside her, no one could reach her anymore.

For the first time in a long while, she felt safe.

Soon, she believed that peace meant never being touched by another soul. She convinced herself that standing beside the bear was enough. As the years passed, the bear grew wiser. It learned how to speak to the other beasts of the forest. It whispered into their ears, twisted their fears, and quietly bent them to its will. No one noticed its mind play, not even the strongest creatures. They believed they were following their own instincts, when in truth, they had begun listening to the bear. And little by little, the girl forgot where she ended and the bear began.

One day, when she is finally exhausted from surviving, she will choose to go home.

So she leaves herself a reminder...

When that day comes, the bear must stay behind. It belongs to the forest, the place where it was born from fear, pain, betrayal, and everything that taught her to survive.

It was never meant to follow her home.

Sunday, May 10, 2026

Wait, are you writing again?

Oh it is probably quite rare for me to write twice in a week. But here I am, still needing a space to pour out my biggest anxiety of the year. From broken personal relationship, to political professional relationship, and to the chaos of the work itself. All served together on one plate. Voila! I got out just fine now (well, progressing to being fine at least).

What did you say?

So last night I had a call with my mother, it was a very long call of reflection as usual. It happened right after I dare myself to step into the workplace again after being AFK for weeks (or maybe months) because of how cruel inside has been. It has been burning every inch of my skin and every bit of my mind. I knew that I sounded very negative, but it is for real. Super dreadful. 

At last, I did it! Yes, I did it!

I am more than proud of myself for going through such chaos, and I could finally wrap it up with a smile on my face. Now, I am leveling up to be a stronger me, way more than ever. What I found amazing is that I could still be me despite the broken environment there. Even when sometimes the thought of people might think of me doing something for a motive, or when people thought about reacting in any way they wanted, I only need to know why I did it. It all that matters.

___

Again after all this hardship, if I need to look back or someone asks me someday, 

"Why did you want to stay in that toxic workplace despite having other better offers to go back?" 

That question actually hit me hard because not only that I wished I could just walk out and move to a better heaven, I literally could and can. Yet I chose to stay. Then here I am, wanting to remind myself when someday I forgot why I did it in the first place.

  1. In living a life of my own, it may only be once in a lifetime.
    I could choose to live calmly without chaos. Or, I could choose to live wildly with chaos. When I decided to come here, the reason was not to earn more. The reason was not to be happier. The reason was simply: I want to get out of my comfort zone and to challenge myself whom I believe can do more than what I was doing.
  2. When I was imagining it, I did not have any precedent of what the outer life would be.
    What would it be to stay outside my comfort zone longer than expected. Then I come here, living a wilderness. Being a little puppy who was very naive. Then I fell down, as always because I am a stubborn little girl. Then I broke down into pieces. I was angry, I was pissed off, I blamed every single thing and person that I could. I became nobody.
  3. One day I learnt to do something I have never done before.
    I read books, I learnt new things, I forced myself to be more daring than ever, I conflicted a lot with my previous version. I learnt to see things beyond mere black and white. The universe that is apparently calibrated every single second. I learnt that all this time, the comfort zone that I lived in was literally the definition of comfort. Then cheers to the hard life. But I knew I can. Even when this new area is not my place eventually, at least I have tried. I have to, I should not give up because if I give up, I go back to my comfort zone. And would anything has ever changed then?
  4. So I have to remember why I did it in the first place.
    It is to shape myself. Like a rough diamond being shaped hard to be a beautiful shape of it. This has been my want from the beginning, what I wished for, not because of anybody or anything else. It is my own choice, and I shall live with it with bravery. Cheers to the new chapter of life, cheers to the new and better me! 

"Because I want to be better."

Friday, May 8, 2026

What happened?

It took me very long to finally end up making a hard choice of changing my career after my last post about waking up into doing meaningless things. Now.. same thing. It might be a rebound or more of an escape from my comfort zone. Okay lesson or lessonsss learnt (haha!). Now I no longer spent enough time in my comfortable country, no more comfortable friends, no more comfortable job, no more comfortable healing, and no more comfortable nights. 

I am not sure if it was a change of career or more like a change of life as my career has been my only life by far. Shoot, I just realized that. Apparently, I have dedicated one-third of my life for my career, for the company rather than for my own happiness. Now that it is facing a "big" problem, my life feels like crumbling down into pieces. Yet guess what, I am in a recovery mode now. So I am writing this new post to remind every reader the things I have learnt so far this year from my big change in life. 

What lessons?

Hmm where should I begin. Actually it is just too much. Too many unexpected turning points here and there. I thought it was a change for a better me, but it was a change for a harder me. Let's break them down bit by bit. Not all, but should be a good starter. 

At the end of our lives, we will be buried or burned alone. 

Do you want to die with an unloved soul just because you rely too much on other's loves?

  1. Whom should I lean on? None, trust nobody and love none.
    Maybe it is easier to say this if we are talking about friends. But what about lovers? The betrayal is thicker than blood. Imagine coming into an uncharted territory and just right away building a relationship that ends up being the biggest betrayal of all time. I knew that in my school time, I used to be betrayed hard by my friend circles, I thought I will not face it anymore once I grew up and knew people better. Apparently, I was just a naive little spoiled girl. I need to learn harder before knowing what "I love you" actually means. You know what, I got badly tricked into believing that there is a pure love or there is a reality behind "The one." I thought that when someone treats me kind, or says that he loves me, then he does. It is not, actions are thicker than words, but later actions are even way thicker than earlier actions. So today I learnt the hard way to pace myself in every single thing. Do not be too intense in anything. Do not fall into the same trick again the next time. Do not be a simple little girl that is so easy to be amused with just popsicles. Always believe that nobody comes with a genuine motive, they always come with a purpose for themselves. Anything for themselves. So not even lover, not even best friend. Learn to love nobody, yet just be kind. 
  2. Should I be kind? Yes, but remember, no such thing called a payback of a kindness. 
    Indeed it was a dilemma to stick with being kind or blend into the broken circle. Everyone here seems to be living in such a hard life of competitions and politics. Imagine having someone being nice but not actually being sincere. They only do it for their own. Again do not trust anyone. Trust must be calibrated, dude! Then I can still be kind and be happy with myself. Okay, so what I meant was to remain being the original you, just be you. But the key is not to expect anything in return. Do not ever think about, "Oh I have done so much for this person, oh I have sacrificed so much for this person, why did s/he do such cruel things to me now?" The truth is just what we think about. Yet the question is, "Why did you do something that you did not want to do then?" If your answer is that you just did it because it was just the real thing you would do to anyone, then stop right there. It is enough. To do kindness is to stop at the finish line. Do not run again for another lap just because we want to seek a payback. Let me tell you the truth, there is no payback in this real world. Even when you find one, it is not. It is a prepay for the next motive. So do not think that the world will work the way we want, and do not ever expect one. 
  3. Not everything is my fault. Really? Yes, not everything is about me.
    Learn to be neutral. I am a very emotional person, I lie but my heart cannot. So I ended up showing the same exact thing on my face on what I really feel. But then I thought when people say that it is bad, it is immature, I thought that I am wrong. I used to blame myself hard for it. I used to feel very inferior towards myself because people around me tend to judge me hard for showing my real emotions. I read books on how to hide my feelings, then I got stressed because it is just too hard. Yet actually, once I faced the reality of the world (that's what my mentors are saying), I realized that it is not about being someone else to survive. It is about the right judgement at the right timing. It means, when something happens, it is not about judging it directly then letting my face show my immediate judgement. What I should do is not to fix my expression, but to fix the way I judge things. I should be more open towards where this world is taking me. I just follow to know, not follow to be laid down. While I am on its way, I should always be calm to observe what is happening, and be quick to see if it is a trap or it is a right path. Be open, be patient, and do not try to control the nature. Not everything that happens is a result of our doing, sometimes we are in a difficult situation because of others, and let it be. That is how the world works, we are not always the maker of the fate, the fate could also be the maker of us. 
  4. Yet, should I be passive? No. Chase what means something in life.
    Always try to find what you find meaningful in life. For me, I find that empathy and people development are the things that I really love. I love to look into the depth of what meets the eyes and what not. I love to see how people grow bit by bit. I love to observe every single detail in human being, and what does each of them represent. It is very fascinating to learn about human being and their behaviors. It is a combo of psychology, sociology, anthropology, and even philosophy I would say. The mind flows are very unpredictable. And once we can digest it well, analyze it well, we can then find it predictable bit by bit, then it feels like hitting a jackpot. That is why my brain is always active for this purpose. I should let go of my career this time, it is ok. I do not need a huge amount of money to survive anyway. I am enough. Now as I shifted my career to a hard one, let me enjoy this fascinating hobby of mine. The arts in every nature. Or, maybe I can even make it into the purpose of my career, but again, I do not want to expect too much. I just do what I can, help what I can, learn what I can. At the end of the day, it is back to my meaning of life: exploring the arts in every nature through my gift of empathy and people development.
  5. What if I fall? What if that triggering trauma comes to say hello? Face it hard with joy.
    I would say, I am not a person with an interesting hobby. I really love to play piano, but my piano is not always around. I really love to be stuck in front of a deep art, but again I do not go to museum often (pricey mannn). I really love to enjoy music, but I do not go to a live music bar often (again, pricey also). Then my mom will scold me for being too stingy for my ownself. Lol. Yes, I need to find a way to find a joy in life aside from my career. I need to be able to manage my time for leisure, and then find social life. To be honest, I do not even trust my social circle there, so what I would do is to learn to build a virtual community. Learn to get to know them online, find friends in discord, be connected with more people now. Learn to have a video call more often with people. Not only just for the sake of certain purposes, but to have a steady life. Rebuild my faithful life again online. What if this can bring calmness. Do online gym training, do online lesson, do anything I love while being locked in a country that blocks me from having a social life. I can have it, I know I can. It is a just a question of whether I want to or not. So when the trauma comes again like today (right before I started to pour out my mind into a new blog post), I should remember that I have people around me. I am not alone, and despite the hard career, there is always a way to solve it. Even when it is unsolved, just say sorry later. Again, point 3, not everything is my fault, not everything is about me. You too there, do not need to worry, not everything is about you. So just live the life you want, you like, and you love. You should not trust anyone, but you should trust yourself. You should not love anyone, but remember, you should love yourself!

I hope the answer is not. 

May we all live in peace and pour the biggest love from our heart into our own self instead of others. 

Then we can always say that we are loved, and it is enough.

Sunday, December 31, 2023

"Perhaps a so-called 25-crisis was real..."

Hi! I have been doing quite good recently and alive indeed. Thank God for that. 

2 years have past, almost 3 years I believed. 

I have moved on from the ungrateful past, the toxic relationships, and the nonstop working days. Love how things are doing now. I started to live independently in a rent unit, one and half years already. It felt so lonely at first, but I got used to it quite fast. In fact, my health has been better both physically and mentally. I finished my therapy (or half-finished) and I started to spend more time with my friends and my significant other. More gathering, more spending for the things that I have been craving of. Well yeah, I have one important person now. He is super caring and extremely kind to the extent that I become calmer day by day because of him. So thankful for his companion in all my ups-and-down.

What about my weekdays. 

What about it? Not much expectation, at least no more. Can you imagine everyday you wake up only to be able to voice out your concern without having the control of what the ends will be. Yes, pretty much a daily routine that has no sparks in it even once in a while. Nothing inspiring and nobody cares. Yet somehow I am still here, drawing lines in my calendar hoping that one day I can get a new canvas with a whole new supporting family. But not so short, some dreams just got to wait a lil'longer.   

Hello 2024. 

Hello new year! Just when I thought about making a resolution list, this idea popped up that I still have this blog which has been outdated for years. Oh, poor you. But don't worry, I am here to let you know that my resolution list is still the same since 20 years back: becoming more discipline. I mean.. what else is better that that.

  1. Wake up early at 6am. 2 hours for a morning routine: 1hr for shower & skincare, 1hr for breakfast & Netflix/game. Sorry, but I still love games.  
  2. Resume my def-cal diet. Yes, I have lost 10kg in 3 months without killing myself slowly. Breakfast drink, lunch meal, and dinner drink. Let's continue to reduce it 5kg more before I leave for a ski trip (olala). 
  3. Office focus from 9am to 7pm. 10 hours should be enough for a day. Nothing more please. Thus I have to focus myself in the office with my loaded work (yet such a routine). 9-12 work, 12-2 break, 2-7 work.
  4. Gym night at 9pm. Let's not waste the gym membership any longer. Time to wrap it off with a good fit just after I finish my dinner and me-time after office. 2-3 times a week should be okay. 
  5. Sleep at 12am. No longer than 1am, because I gotta wake up at 6am again.
Hope everyone gets their resolution list realized, and happy new year fellas! 

Thursday, December 31, 2020

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A New Beginning

Reminders for a better life

1. You do not need a friend to stay alive

Friends are not related to you. They often betray you and leave you. Their definition of friendship is not pure, it conflicts with their personal needs. They will come to you when they need you, and they will leave you once their needs are fulfilled. By then, they will call it "We are just friends, this is enough." They take you only for granted, and they may accuse you of having feelings towards them if you want more reciprocity in the friendship. So remember, you only need to know them as a person (stranger) and keep it that way.

2. Breathe and forget the past

Stay alive. Even when life gives you a stone to eat, you do not need to eat it. Forget the past. Forgiving requires more than pure intention and action. There is no point in forgiving them anyway, they will not change to be a better version just because they are forgiven. So might as well, you start to forget and bury them deep down.

3. Trust none, but yourself

After learning that no one is actually a friend of yours, why do you need to trust anyone? Yourself is worth more. I did not believe in self-care before because I thought it was selfish and self-centric. Yet after several times being betrayed by pure kindness, I learnt that the world is cruel enough to let you down multiple times within years. No one is purely nice, remember that. You only need to play your act and then get things done.

4. Silence gives you more privileges

Being nosy around to help others does not exist anymore in this world. So just maintain the decorum quiet, at least, the decorum of your sight. Talk when it is necessary and asked. By then, learn to be more discipline and finish all your tasks well so that you do not need to talk to anyone.

5. Nothing lasts forever

Oh, even someone's marriage does not last forever. Not because the other one died or divorced, but simply because the pure marriage is tainted. Friendship also does not last forever.

Why would you start on something that will end up anyway?

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Months have been passed through.
I am grateful to be here today, to testify the fact that I am still okay.
Not to change a mind of theirs, but to deliver the truth.

Being occupied for almost one year with this roller-coaster-feeling.
A patience has to come along with a maturity.
Why did they argue too much?
Why did they complaint like there has never been a right?
Am I right?
Am I wrong?
Got to relax and think about it deeper.

Underneath the feeling of anxiety, there must be a bravery.
Though sometimes, or let us just say most of the time,
the feeling of sadness loves to come along with that moment.
They shouted on me, "Say what you need to say."
Should I?

I am okay to understand all these things from my eyes.
Yet, I believe there is something bigger than all of these tremendous feelings.
I only know a little piece of it.
Thus, I know I can count on someone.
He said, "Lay your head on me."

Thank you.

Monday, February 20, 2017

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com-pa-nion

That day when you were alone, everybody was leaving.
She believed that someone would come to her side.
She denied it eventually.

Most of her days were spectacularly fine.
Her surroundings were decent.

What if that 'most' may leave a few days?

***

She is a strong girl.
I doubt that she may become super solo after all.
Not a bit though, not even a single day.

Every minute was spent without concerning about the future.
Or perhaps, without a memory.

So hard to describe.
I begged her to stop showing that innocent expression.
She is just too stubborn.
She is dumb.
Completely lost in her own mind.

***

Even when she has to write down some words,
she is lying to me.
When will this be ended up?

***

The first question is,
"Does she need a companion?"

***

It could be a 'no' for a situation.
Or a 'yes' for a condition.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

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The man next to the street.

Do you remember the crossing line next to the coffee shop?

I was looking at that when you hugged me for the first time.
Well, not officially hugging me, but yeah. What can I say.

That moment when everything felt like time could never tick anymore.
It was crazy. No, I was crazy.

***

Almost a year had passed.
I thought life would get better.

How are you now?
Are you okay there?

I do not want to care though.
Or, perhaps a bit.

I remember the last sentence that you mentioned in our last second of call.
It did hurt me so bad. You knew already that my love language is gift.
Yet, why?
Why did you even dare to say that one sentence to me?
I was speechless right after hanging up the phone.

The worst set of feelings in my life are 
to be left behind, unappreciated, and forgotten.

***

I am fine now.
Yes, definitely fine.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

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Positive Ending

It does not make any sense sometimes,
to live in the reality,
and to live in the life He has designed for us.

"I thank God whenever I remember you,
and all my prayers are filled with joy."
Philippians 1:3-4

Is that also a reality?
Perhaps this would be more wonderful to live in.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

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Did I forget?

"I just wanna touch your soul. 
I just wanna love you when you are not here.
I just wanna hold you because I care.
I just wanna see you."

***

Here I am writing this post in my deepest moment of blue.
I declared how tired I was, I am, and I am still.
Today is not a big day.

I am singing to the moon out there.
Hoping for another moon to come by and say hi.
Maybe it is not alone hanging in the sky.

***

They say life is a wonderful journey of unexpected surprises.
I doubt it.
Some people there have set all of these to happen in their way.
What can I do now?
Helping none, yet miserable.

Imagining the world is a sugar ball.
Who am I to even dare to dream?
I hope not today. Perhaps tomorrow.

Monday, May 30, 2016

16.04.22
20.22
42
6
.

A day to remember.
Some days to forget.

It was a time when the reality seemed to have multi-faces.
Frowning. Smiling. Laughing. Crying.
26 days spent with anger.
5 days spent with children.
5 days spent with friends.
2 days spent with nonsense.

38 days in total.
Memories have been drawn with joys.
Not so true though.
Colored them up with sadness.

She found the star that she is not white.
She is not blue or green.
She is transparent instead.
The unseen may cross her body.
Sneaking into the very deep of her.
Open up! Open up!
Struggling with the white.
Enjoying the night with the dark.

Getting choked up by those blue small creatures.
Falling down from the highest place.
She is dying.
She definitely is.
Yes, she is.

Yet.
Those children warmed her heart up.
There, her soul speaks up.

To the one singing without fakes.
A thousand butterflies stay inside you. One of them is pink. Your heart is as soft as that pink one. To learn from her past, you are very wise. May the wisdom of your kindness create a blank page in your life, that may only be filled by the right one. A time when she stole your time, she said, "sorry". A time when she stole your energy, she said, "calm down". A time when she has left the house, she said, "cheer up". She is not a good kid, isn't she?
 To the one singing without failures.
She drawn a pond beneath the house. A little thing hid inside it has been buried well. She died with it though. Building a wall for no one to pull you out. She may not find it easy to interact with you. She is afraid to get deeper. She hides next to the door, to see the light shining from your heart. You are humble, yes you are. Remember one thing. She whispered, "A song with a melody will never disappear from the bar, yet stay close to the writer of the song." A player acts the same as the writer though.

 To the one singing without tones.
A moment spent together with a laughter is the precious one ever. Getting to know someone that has been known around is a fortune. God planned it well. Not too many seconds are ticking on the clock. If she may asked something, then it will be, "To you, when the stars are staring at you, which one will you choose? The biggest one with some flakes on it? Or the smallest one with some diamonds on it? Or not even both? Or even both? Be careful."

To the one singing without voices.
Lame introduction, yet quite good. There is a land called bamboo. Nobody ever wonders why the name is so. However, people around called it so since the beginning of the time. Perhaps you do not want to name it bamboo though. Then, she asked you again, "Which one is better? A land without a name? Or a land with a name?" Not a good question probably. Yet, she prays for your good in choosing which one is better.

To the one ...
I do not cry. I do not lie. I do not smile. To the time that has passed away, she buried all in one place. Hoping that the place will vanish afterwards. Yet, fail. Epic fail. The place will always remain seen by the crowd. The crowd consists of a few people. Or probably just one person. Hope so. Created through every line with every single color, she is dying. She said, "Thank God".

Back again to you all.
She cannot be happier than these 38 days.
She is happy. She is grateful. She is sad.
May the house be the house it is used to be.

This is her #50 post and written while laying on her bed due to bad fever.
Thank you for the 38 days.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

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I ain't writing for you.

At least not for a particular glance.

Every single word is merely an expression of my feeling that is unspoken to the world.
Some may say that I am outspoken.
However,
life does not have any absolute case, does it?
Well, Him only.
I created it for a reason like how they happened for reasons.
Not for you, definitely not.
Not for me, definitely not.
Not for them, definitely not.

You may interpret every word by your own.
One thing to bear in mind, however,
there is none to be blamed for it.

You may find no meaning behind it.
Two things to bear in mind, however,
a meaning will remain a meaning, and
a meaning is apparently what is in your mind.

You may mock the me after all.
Three things to bear in mind, however,
they
aren't
yours
.

Saturday, March 5, 2016

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Can a man be kind?

The most denial thought I have ever had in my mind, might not be the first thing in your life.
I have been lost in my own world for around six months without any small pieces to carry on with.
No cries for love, no tears for the broken heart.
No love, no heart.
Heartless.

I am living in a very moment of silence.
Despite of every nonsense they would say,
I collected all the memories within an untitled album.

Stretching an idea from the "Piece by Piece" by Kelly Clarkson,
I may be one of those fans who tried to flash back in time to find that piece.
It is miserable, isn't it?
Not my dad, not my mom, not my brother.

Even today, somebody came to my life. Playing around my joy, but he is just a playful guy.
I am sorry if that might not be true, however, I found that it would not be easy for me to fall.
This is just another guy who recently came to my life, two days ago.
I do not want to get it wrong. I do not want to fall either.
"Can a man be kind?"

I just confessed it that I am not afraid of falling in love.
I am not afraid of getting hurt.
I am just not ready yet to face how my life would be after it happens.
What changes should I face?
Another world?
Another time?
No.

Anyway, she had said to me that the problem is that I always try to get bound to them.
Not because of them.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

I have been getting through these months toughly. To be honest, there were a lot of unexpected moments that suddenly hit my mind harshly. Was it a reality? I have been wondering all day long to avoid the fact that I am just no one but a person who needs another one to care. 
Too pitiful, too pathetic, too sad, too miserable of me.

I once tried to find one who really understood my feeling. I said to him that she just looked like my very close friend that always understands how I am now. I also said to him that she is like the best one I have ever had. However, probably I am just too positive about it. She never thought so. Not even thinking of it now. She pissed me off last night with all the words that would have never been in my mind. Not even a single shot of flash.

She is good. She is true. She is absolutely correct.

I cannot be too dependent on someone like her. I am supposed to be someone that is able to live by myself. I must be someone who only cares to the world in one way that there would be no any reciprocal relationship between us. It is so true that the world is full of the deaf instead of the mute. Craving all day long, all night long, for nothing but a single understanding.

Perhaps that was the last time I could believe in someone after being ignored and distrusted because of a man, after being misunderstood, and after all the time that I have given to her. Perhaps others might say, "What are you doing? You have never been this dependent of someone else. You have never been this caring of someone else. You are different." Or now those questions may just turn their lead into a reversed moment.

Tomorrow...

I would like to care for myself and those who needs that. I have given too much to her that she reached the point in which she is no longer taking it as a serious affection. I know right. Too much will only remain me with nothing. I once made a wrong decision to go too far beyond what I did to others. Now I have to turn back to my old life. I have to respect myself that I can do this alone. Even when I looked at myself in that dark room, I saw myself alone. I did not see any other men beside me. Not even a single sister. Yes, I can do it right? I am just dreaming.

Professionally acting towards this condition is another option though. I should not tell her what she will face later. I should not warn her about the bad things. I should not treat her in a distinct way. She is just the same as others though. I cannot see that special affection from her anymore because after all, she just felt uncomfortable with me. So why should I?

It is easy, isn't it? No.

Not that easy to leave a person. I have one that I have been missing him for years. That person even still cares about me. Then, why should I care about this single person who does not even give a single care about me. I lost in my own optimistic mind that she is my sister. I think that is why God gave me no sister, but a brother. It is just as simple as a puzzle in which a small piece will not fit.

I merely found a nostalgia momentum which will only be gone through with a certain period of time in my life, leaving the deepest scar that would never be healed that easily. I am too tired for begging for a memory. I created this mess by myself. I carelessly turned myself into a sister. She is right. I would never be one for I am just no one but a person who needs another one to care.

Right?

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

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I hate her.

So probably this is why she does not like most girls.
She is having such a girly semester now, all lecturers are female.
Being ditched, being ignored, being mistakenly considered, being such an arrogant.
She yelled out to one of them yesterday, screamed like they do not exist. 
Her points might get lower this semester.

Yet, she will not give up.
Professionalism? I hate her.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Oh yes! 
It has been a long long struggle! 
Currently I am having such a hectic schedule to do. 
Move move move! 

Anyway, hi readers! How have you been?
Hopefully everything is alright, or at least okay. Lol. 

I wanted to introduce you to my new EPIC friends. I met them during my job as an assistant of the student life officer in my beloved university, UPH. They are such a great couple (not boy and girl), I mean couple of friendship. Haha. When I was talking with both of them, it was so funny. Lucky to have them. 

Let say one is the junior. He is very smart and nice. Not that talkative, but not that quiet either. I really envy his ability of self-control in any situation. Or maybe I just still cannot figure out what lies behind his face. Hopefully there is nothing so burdened. Apart from his quietness, he is such a lovable friend. He can make us happy with his silly joke. In fact, he will try to do anything when it comes to a down moment. Thank God to have him whom I assist.

Well, then we go to the second one, the senior. Pretty smart and unique! He is wise, yes he is. I know that when both of them are very nice to me. And this guy probably knows that I want to be very nice to them as well. He can figure out what lies behind my behavior. Not a magic. Or perhaps God has sent him to reveal the truth. No. Not all. But at least, he did that. He made me look very weird as what I truly am. Will we meet again? Or even though we will not, at least, remember what you have spoke out about me. 

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"You want to be friend with them. They do not want to. They just consider you as someone freak. You try so hard to join them. They just mock you. They hurt you, but you do not want to hurt them back. You want to be with them. Buy you are just not part of them."
This is the saddest moment when I should say that I do not deserve to be loved. I have once taken a psychological test and it turns out that I go to the extreme point of being fearful. They said that being fearful means that I feel that I do not deserve to be loved by others and hence I avoid others. Am I so? Or am I just exaggerating myself too much? Let say yes, so that I do not have to make any adjustment to stay strong.
"You keep asking 'why' to yourself. You want a fairness. You are someone that realizes everything happens because of a reason. But then you do not know what is your own reason to become like this. I think I am missing something. Something that only yourself can figure it out. Do you know?"
 Oops, somebody just stopped by. She said sorry for borrowing my stuff for too long. I guess my roommate just said to her too much about what I did. I asked my roommate if she saw my stuff. Suddenly the borrower just came and felt so guilty because of it. Yes, girls stuff. Whatever. Nevermind.
"There is a lady that looks like your mom. She is the only one that you have ever confessed something to. Not sure. But she looks like a mom. Someone who is older and has the nature of motherhood. Is she your mom?"
 Me and my family are okay. Okay. Yes okay.
"You always have a goal to reach. You try your best to achieve everything. But. You do all those things not for yourself. Not for your own pride. But for whom? Do you have someone in mind?"
 I do not feel happy. I have never achieved something and felt happy after that. It might happen. But temporarily. Not an endless happiness. So pity.

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Hope to see you again my two awesome friends.
Thank you for being there.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

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She.

Dear God,

She is people's listener.
She is no one's spouse. 
She is no one's friend. 

Some said she is perfect.
Some said she is bossy.
Some said she is selfish.

She was born to be a leader. 
She was born to be a burden.
She was born to be a disturber.

She is a very critical girl.
She is a very outspoken girl.
She is a very sensitive girl.

She smiles and laughs out loud.
She mumbles to herself. 
She muses in a crowded place.

She loves to be an observer.
She holds a grudge.
She remembers every single word you have said.

She leans on God.
She feels deeply sad. 
She cries in the heart.

She could not tell anyone.
She did not mean to hurt people.
She really wanted to be friend. 

She wanted to know people well.
She wanted to joke with them.
She wanted to care and to be cared.

She could tell anyone's feeling.
She lied to hide her potential.
She lied to remain silent. 

Will she survive?
I am SHE. 
She is me. 

Amen. 

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

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So Random.

Hello readers! 
I would like to share some shots I did yesterday. Hope you like it!


Last night I have been eating an orange with my family. See my cutting style! 


Mine and Hers. The note book is Uti's. Nice book, isn't it? The next one is my new iphone's case. I love the soft pink on it. Let me give the pic a single quote, "For that I am sure of what I have had. Even stars would never deny that the world looks bigger in human eyes." You must get the idea. :D


We were doing selfie. Me and Her.


This is her bedroom. So messy, yet wonderful. 


My last is the re-registration form. This is my last document to send. Finally, I have done it. Do you know UPH Karawaci? Let us meet up there in the Management class! I will be taking a full-english-class anyway. 



Thursday, June 19, 2014

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Warm hello.

Hello readers! I come back again with my old blog account. So, the total pageview appeared on the right-top of my blogpage is not being modified. It is the true total pageview of my last blog. I changed the name into TokèBonè as the newest one, then moved all the new posts into this blog. I am sorry that I can't change my old URL (iamunspoken.blogspot.com) due to the Google AdSense's requirement. I hope you will enjoy this blog! :)

Anyway, I can't wait for my departure to Jakarta on August. It has been a very long boring holiday. Fortunately, I can spend it wisely by learning something new. My mandarin class has reached level 5, so far so good. I can understand mandarin drama, even though only a little bit. Last night I watched a Korean drama with mom. It used mandarin subtitles. Oh my, I was totally tired of reading and understand it. Me, however, crying at the end of the drama. The drama was so sweet. It called "My Love from the Star", starring Kim Soo Hyun and Jun Ji Hyun. Perfect couple, I guess! Lol.

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Grimmierawwwkks!

One thing I always love about her is her self-confidence. Christina Victoria Grimmie (20), is an American pianist and singer. She comes from New Jersey. She likes green and R&B. The first time I knew her was from my brother who showed me a video of her cover. She did the cover with Sam Tsui, "Just a Dream". Oh man, she was incredibly awesome at that song. I am totally in love with her.

Source: Google Images
Christina's words are so inspiring. She always tells other girls that being yourself does matter. We don't have to be others to be spectacular. She doesn't give a damn on what others say. Christina, however, always learns to be better day by day.

Source: Google Images

This young talented girl has one brother anyway. His name is Mark Grimmie. He is also a musician as his only sister. I have seen them perform together in the music video of "Feelin' Good". He looks nice by the way.

Source: Google Images

If I could have a chance to meet Christina, it would be a very precious time for me. I would ask for her advice about several things happened in my life. Her motivating words would mean a world for me. Thank you, Christina! Grimmierawwwkks! ;)

Source: Google Images
Source: Google Images