Remember why I did it in the first place.

Wait, are you writing again?

Oh it is probably quite rare for me to write twice in a week. But here I am, still needing a space to pour out my biggest anxiety of the year. From broken personal relationship, to political professional relationship, and to the chaos of the work itself. All served together on one plate. Voila! I got out just fine now (well, progressing to being fine at least).

What did you say?

So last night I had a call with my mother, it was a very long call of reflection as usual. It happened right after I dare myself to step into the workplace again after being AFK for weeks (or maybe months) because of how cruel inside has been. It has been burning every inch of my skin and every bit of my mind. I knew that I sounded very negative, but it is for real. Super dreadful. 

At last, I did it! Yes, I did it!

I am more than proud of myself for going through such chaos, and I could finally wrap it up with a smile on my face. Now, I am leveling up to be a stronger me, way more than ever. What I found amazing is that I could still be me despite the broken environment there. Even when sometimes the thought of people might think of me doing something for a motive, or when people thought about reacting in any way they wanted, I only need to know why I did it. It all that matters.

___

Again after all this hardship, if I need to look back or someone asks me someday, 

"Why did you want to stay in that toxic workplace despite having other better offers to go back?" 

That question actually hit me hard because not only that I wished I could just walk out and move to a better heaven, I literally could and can. Yet I chose to stay. Then here I am, wanting to remind myself when someday I forgot why I did it in the first place.

1. In living a life of my own, it may only be once in a lifetime.
   I could choose to live calmly without chaos. Or, I could choose to live wildly with chaos. When I decided to come here, the reason was not to earn more. The reason was not to be happier. The reason was simply: I want to get out of my comfort zone and to challenge myself whom I believe can do more than what I was doing.
2. When I was imagining it, I did not have any precedent of what the outer life would be.
   What would it be to stay outside my comfort zone longer than expected. Then I come here, living a wilderness. Being a little puppy who was very naive. Then I fell down, as always because I am a stubborn little girl. Then I broke down into pieces. I was angry, I was pissed off, I blamed every single thing and person that I could. I became nobody.
3. One day I learnt to do something I have never done before.
   I read books, I learnt new things, I forced myself to be more daring than ever, I conflicted a lot with my previous version. I learnt to see things beyond mere black and white. The universe that is apparently calibrated every single second. I learnt that all this time, the comfort zone that I lived in was literally the definition of comfort. Then cheers to the hard life. But I knew I can. Even when this new area is not my place eventually, at least I have tried. I have to, I should not give up because if I give up, I go back to my comfort zone. And would anything has ever changed then?
4. So I have to remember why I did it in the first place.
   It is to shape myself. Like a rough diamond being shaped hard to be a beautiful shape of it. This has been my want from the beginning, what I wished for, not because of anybody or anything else. It is my own choice, and I shall live with it with bravery. Cheers to the new chapter of life, cheers to the new and better me! 

"Because I want to be better."