Cheers to the new chapter of my life (again)!

What happened?

It took me very long to finally end up making a hard choice of changing my career after my last post about waking up into doing meaningless things. Now.. same thing. It might be a rebound or more of an escape from my comfort zone. Okay lesson or lessonsss learnt (haha!). Now I no longer spent enough time in my comfortable country, no more comfortable friends, no more comfortable job, no more comfortable healing, and no more comfortable nights. 

I am not sure if it was a change of career or more like a change of life as my career has been my only life by far. Shoot, I just realized that. Apparently, I have dedicated one-third of my life for my career, for the company rather than for my own happiness. Now that it is facing a "big" problem, my life feels like crumbling down into pieces. Yet guess what, I am in a recovery mode now. So I am writing this new post to remind every reader the things I have learnt so far this year from my big change in life. 

What lessons?

Hmm where should I begin. Actually it is just too much. Too many unexpected turning points here and there. I thought it was a change for a better me, but it was a change for a harder me. Let's break them down bit by bit. Not all, but should be a good starter. 

At the end of our lives, we will be buried or burned alone. 

Do you want to die with an unloved soul just because you rely too much on other's loves?

1. Whom should I lean on? None, trust nobody and love none.

   Maybe it is easier to say this if we are talking about friends. But what about lovers? The betrayal is thicker than blood. Imagine coming into an uncharted territory and just right away building a relationship that ends up being the biggest betrayal of all time. I knew that in my school time, I used to be betrayed hard by my friend circles, I thought I will not face it anymore once I grew up and knew people better. Apparently, I was just a naive little spoiled girl. I need to learn harder before knowing what "I love you" actually means. You know what, I got badly tricked into believing that there is a pure love or there is a reality behind "The one." I thought that when someone treats me kind, or says that he loves me, then he does. It is not, actions are thicker than words, but later actions are even way thicker than earlier actions. So today I learnt the hard way to pace myself in every single thing. Do not be too intense in anything. Do not fall into the same trick again the next time. Do not be a simple little girl that is so easy to be amused with just popsicles. Always believe that nobody comes with a genuine motive, they always come with a purpose for themselves. Anything for themselves. So not even lover, not even best friend. Learn to love nobody, yet just be kind. 

2. Should I be kind? Yes, but remember, no such thing called a payback of a kindness. 

   Indeed it was a dilemma to stick with being kind or blend into the broken circle. Everyone here seems to be living in such a hard life of competitions and politics. Imagine having someone being nice but not actually being sincere. They only do it for their own. Again do not trust anyone. Trust must be calibrated, dude! Then I can still be kind and be happy with myself. Okay, so what I meant was to remain being the original you, just be you. But the key is not to expect anything in return. Do not ever think about, "Oh I have done so much for this person, oh I have sacrificed so much for this person, why did s/he do such cruel things to me now?" The truth is just what we think about. Yet the question is, "Why did you do something that you did not want to do then?" If your answer is that you just did it because it was just the real thing you would do to anyone, then stop right there. It is enough. To do kindness is to stop at the finish line. Do not run again for another lap just because we want to seek a payback. Let me tell you the truth, there is no payback in this real world. Even when you find one, it is not. It is a prepay for the next motive. So do not think that the world will work the way we want, and do not ever expect one. 

3. Not everything is my fault. Really? Yes, not everything is about me.

   Learn to be neutral. I am a very emotional person, I lie but my heart cannot. So I ended up showing the same exact thing on my face on what I really feel. But then I thought when people say that it is bad, it is immature, I thought that I am wrong. I used to blame myself hard for it. I used to feel very inferior towards myself because people around me tend to judge me hard for showing my real emotions. I read books on how to hide my feelings, then I got stressed because it is just too hard. Yet actually, once I faced the reality of the world (that's what my mentors are saying), I realized that it is not about being someone else to survive. It is about the right judgement at the right timing. It means, when something happens, it is not about judging it directly then letting my face show my immediate judgement. What I should do is not to fix my expression, but to fix the way I judge things. I should be more open towards where this world is taking me. I just follow to know, not follow to be laid down. While I am on its way, I should always be calm to observe what is happening, and be quick to see if it is a trap or it is a right path. Be open, be patient, and do not try to control the nature. Not everything that happens is a result of our doing, sometimes we are in a difficult situation because of others, and let it be. That is how the world works, we are not always the maker of the fate, the fate could also be the maker of us. 

4. Yet, should I be passive? No. Chase what means something in life.

   Always try to find what you find meaningful in life. For me, I find that empathy and people development are the things that I really love. I love to look into the depth of what meets the eyes and what not. I love to see how people grow bit by bit. I love to observe every single detail in human being, and what does each of them represent. It is very fascinating to learn about human being and their behaviors. It is a combo of psychology, sociology, anthropology, and even philosophy I would say. The mind flows are very unpredictable. And once we can digest it well, analyze it well, we can then find it predictable bit by bit, then it feels like hitting a jackpot. That is why my brain is always active for this purpose. I should let go of my career this time, it is ok. I do not need a huge amount of money to survive anyway. I am enough. Now as I shifted my career to a hard one, let me enjoy this fascinating hobby of mine. The arts in every nature. Or, maybe I can even make it into the purpose of my career, but again, I do not want to expect too much. I just do what I can, help what I can, learn what I can. At the end of the day, it is back to my meaning of life: exploring the arts in every nature through my gift of empathy and people development.

5. What if I fall? What if that triggering trauma comes to say hello? Face it hard with joy.

   I would say, I am not a person with an interesting hobby. I really love to play piano, but my piano is not always around. I really love to be stuck in front of a deep art, but again I do not go to museum often (pricey mannn). I really love to enjoy music, but I do not go to a live music bar often (again, pricey also). Then my mom will scold me for being too stingy for my ownself. Lol. Yes, I need to find a way to find a joy in life aside from my career. I need to be able to manage my time for leisure, and then find social life. To be honest, I do not even trust my social circle there, so what I would do is to learn to build a virtual community. Learn to get to know them online, find friends in discord, be connected with more people now. Learn to have a video call more often with people. Not only just for the sake of certain purposes, but to have a steady life. Rebuild my faithful life again online. What if this can bring calmness. Do online gym training, do online lesson, do anything I love while being locked in a country that blocks me from having a social life. I can have it, I know I can. It is a just a question of whether I want to or not. So when the trauma comes again like today (right before I started to pour out my mind into a new blog post), I should remember that I have people around me. I am not alone, and despite the hard career, there is always a way to solve it. Even when it is unsolved, just say sorry later. Again, point 3, not everything is my fault, not everything is about me. You too there, do not need to worry, not everything is about you. So just live the life you want, you like, and you love. You should not trust anyone, but you should trust yourself. You should not love anyone, but remember, you should love yourself!

I hope the answer is not. 

May we all live in peace and pour the biggest love from our heart into our own self instead of others. 

Then we can always say that we are loved, and it is enough.

It's been 2 years now, the life has changed.

"Perhaps a so-called 25-crisis was real..."

Hi! I have been doing quite good recently and alive indeed. Thank God for that. 

2 years have past, almost 3 years I believed. 

I have moved on from the ungrateful past, the toxic relationships, and the nonstop working days. Love how things are doing now. I started to live independently in a rent unit, one and half years already. It felt so lonely at first, but I got used to it quite fast. In fact, my health has been better both physically and mentally. I finished my therapy (or half-finished) and I started to spend more time with my friends and my significant other. More gathering, more spending for the things that I have been craving of. Well yeah, I have one important person now. He is super caring and extremely kind to the extent that I become calmer day by day because of him. So thankful for his companion in all my ups-and-down.

What about my weekdays. 

What about it? Not much expectation, at least no more. Can you imagine everyday you wake up only to be able to voice out your concern without having the control of what the ends will be. Yes, pretty much a daily routine that has no sparks in it even once in a while. Nothing inspiring and nobody cares. Yet somehow I am still here, drawing lines in my calendar hoping that one day I can get a new canvas with a whole new supporting family. But not so short, some dreams just got to wait a lil'longer.   

Hello 2024. 

Hello new year! Just when I thought about making a resolution list, this idea popped up that I still have this blog which has been outdated for years. Oh, poor you. But don't worry, I am here to let you know that my resolution list is still the same since 20 years back: becoming more discipline. I mean.. what else is better that that.

1. Wake up early at 6am. 2 hours for a morning routine: 1hr for shower & skincare, 1hr for breakfast & Netflix/game. Sorry, but I still love games.  
2. Resume my def-cal diet. Yes, I have lost 10kg in 3 months without killing myself slowly. Breakfast drink, lunch meal, and dinner drink. Let's continue to reduce it 5kg more before I leave for a ski trip (olala). 
3. Office focus from 9am to 7pm. 10 hours should be enough for a day. Nothing more please. Thus I have to focus myself in the office with my loaded work (yet such a routine). 9-12 work, 12-2 break, 2-7 work.
4. Gym night at 9pm. Let's not waste the gym membership any longer. Time to wrap it off with a good fit just after I finish my dinner and me-time after office. 2-3 times a week should be okay. 
5. Sleep at 12am. No longer than 1am, because I gotta wake up at 6am again.

Hope everyone gets their resolution list realized, and happy new year fellas! 

Till I tell the world how life has been

"Hi, how are you?"
A shallow question that everybody would ask without having to mean it.

"Good! Thanks"
Not even an inch of honesty from a thousand miles of truth

For some days are hard to tell, and emotions are too deep to unveil.
Let the world be quiet and silenced.

Till I tell the world how life has been.

Could someone understand?

Lost of words and expressions.

An Hour of Despair

That night she took a walk,

alone under the dark night sky.

Nothing went over her head,

only a buzz of ways to make the thing real.

She took a left path,

then she stopped and turned around. 

She took another longer path on the right.

It was a long walk. 

At times, she met strangers walking back, 

she tried to look at them in the eye, 

but strangers are strangers.

Another guy asked her what she was doing, 

she nodded and smiled.

The construction was there, she almost arrived.

The place changed quite a lot since the last time she came by.

Doubts were lining up, 

but the more doubts came in, the more real it became.

She finally decided.

She went to a serene corner filled with empty seats.

She sat in the third row and said goodbye.

The last time she came and kneeled down, 

her uncle passed away.

That time she kneeled down again,

her father passed away.

Perhaps this time, her soul walked away.

Tears crawled down, and cries were echoing.

May the kind people be blessed.

She walked out through the empty aisle,

tried to find the gate keeper, but no one was around at that hour.

She looked for a cave,

yet it was too dark to find it.

She left the place.

She turned around and looked up to the sky.

It was enlightened, brighter than 45 minutes ago.

There were stars here and there.

The longer she stared at them,

her heart was consoled.

Her mind was cleared, 

and her eyes rejoiced.

She walked back home.

An hour ended.