Everything beyond words.

Wednesday, July 8, 2026

A little girl once wandered through the world believing she could find a single green leaf, one that could grow into an entire tree. She explored with an open heart, welcoming people, places, and every unfamiliar path. But as time passed, she realized that none of the leaves were green anymore. Every breath became heavier than the last. Every wound promised to heal, yet somehow grew deeper instead. Eventually, she found herself lost in a forest on a lonely hill.

She never told anyone. She carried the silence alone.

One day, she found a bear. 

Instead of running, she provoked it. Instead of fearing it, she tamed it. Perhaps it was because she had become just as fierce as the creature itself. The bear stayed by her side, driving away every beast that came too close whether they meant her harm or kindness. With the bear beside her, no one could reach her anymore.

For the first time in a long while, she felt safe.

Soon, she believed that peace meant never being touched by another soul. She convinced herself that standing beside the bear was enough. As the years passed, the bear grew wiser. It learned how to speak to the other beasts of the forest. It whispered into their ears, twisted their fears, and quietly bent them to its will. No one noticed its mind play, not even the strongest creatures. They believed they were following their own instincts, when in truth, they had begun listening to the bear. And little by little, the girl forgot where she ended and the bear began.

One day, when she is finally exhausted from surviving, she will choose to go home.

So she leaves herself a reminder...

When that day comes, the bear must stay behind. It belongs to the forest, the place where it was born from fear, pain, betrayal, and everything that taught her to survive.

It was never meant to follow her home.

Saturday, May 30, 2026

, , , ,

Is there a law of diminishing love?

Recently, I found myself wandering back to a harbor I once left behind.

For the first few weeks, the waters were calm. We drifted carefully, neither of us raising full sails, content to let the tide carry us at its own pace. There was comfort in the familiarity, the same shoreline, the same quiet currents that once felt like home. But I am no longer the traveler who first arrived here. Time has taught me how to read the weather. I can see the storm clouds gathering long before the rain falls. And it made me wonder,

Does love follow a law of diminishing returns?

The first arrival feels like discovering a new continent. The second feels more like revisiting a map whose ending is already known. The warmth is still there, but so is the memory of every shipwreck hidden beneath the surface. So now I am standing at the edge of the deck wondering, 

Do I turn the ship around and leave behind the comfort of this harbor,
or do I keep sailing toward a horizon I suspect will never appear?

On another thought...

Perhaps every harbor serves a purpose.

Not for treasure or conquest, but simply for shelter on difficult nights. Yet I cannot help but wonder whether a refuge can remain just that. When comfort settles in and the walls begin to feel familiar, 

Can I truly keep my heart from building a home there again? 

Because what I fear is not the journey itself. What I fear is becoming an anchor someone borrows during rough seas, only to be cut loose once the waters grow calm. If there is such a thing as a law of diminishing love, perhaps it is not that love grows smaller with time. Perhaps it is that every return yields less certainty and costs a little more courage than the last. Here I am telling my little self inside my tiny heart,

Remember how it ended,
remember if that was the only amount of self-love I have for myself this time too.

Sunday, May 10, 2026

Wait, are you writing again?

Oh it is probably quite rare for me to write twice in a week. But here I am, still needing a space to pour out my biggest anxiety of the year. From broken personal relationship, to political professional relationship, and to the chaos of the work itself. All served together on one plate. Voila! I got out just fine now (well, progressing to being fine at least).

What did you say?

So last night I had a call with my mother, it was a very long call of reflection as usual. It happened right after I dare myself to step into the workplace again after being AFK for weeks (or maybe months) because of how cruel inside has been. It has been burning every inch of my skin and every bit of my mind. I knew that I sounded very negative, but it is for real. Super dreadful. 

At last, I did it! Yes, I did it!

I am more than proud of myself for going through such chaos, and I could finally wrap it up with a smile on my face. Now, I am leveling up to be a stronger me, way more than ever. What I found amazing is that I could still be me despite the broken environment there. Even when sometimes the thought of people might think of me doing something for a motive, or when people thought about reacting in any way they wanted, I only need to know why I did it. It all that matters.

___

Again after all this hardship, if I need to look back or someone asks me someday, 

"Why did you want to stay in that toxic workplace despite having other better offers to go back?" 

That question actually hit me hard because not only that I wished I could just walk out and move to a better heaven, I literally could and can. Yet I chose to stay. Then here I am, wanting to remind myself when someday I forgot why I did it in the first place.

  1. In living a life of my own, it may only be once in a lifetime.
    I could choose to live calmly without chaos. Or, I could choose to live wildly with chaos. When I decided to come here, the reason was not to earn more. The reason was not to be happier. The reason was simply: I want to get out of my comfort zone and to challenge myself whom I believe can do more than what I was doing.
  2. When I was imagining it, I did not have any precedent of what the outer life would be.
    What would it be to stay outside my comfort zone longer than expected. Then I come here, living a wilderness. Being a little puppy who was very naive. Then I fell down, as always because I am a stubborn little girl. Then I broke down into pieces. I was angry, I was pissed off, I blamed every single thing and person that I could. I became nobody.
  3. One day I learnt to do something I have never done before.
    I read books, I learnt new things, I forced myself to be more daring than ever, I conflicted a lot with my previous version. I learnt to see things beyond mere black and white. The universe that is apparently calibrated every single second. I learnt that all this time, the comfort zone that I lived in was literally the definition of comfort. Then cheers to the hard life. But I knew I can. Even when this new area is not my place eventually, at least I have tried. I have to, I should not give up because if I give up, I go back to my comfort zone. And would anything has ever changed then?
  4. So I have to remember why I did it in the first place.
    It is to shape myself. Like a rough diamond being shaped hard to be a beautiful shape of it. This has been my want from the beginning, what I wished for, not because of anybody or anything else. It is my own choice, and I shall live with it with bravery. Cheers to the new chapter of life, cheers to the new and better me! 

"Because I want to be better."

Friday, May 8, 2026

What happened?

It took me very long to finally end up making a hard choice of changing my career after my last post about waking up into doing meaningless things. Now.. same thing. It might be a rebound or more of an escape from my comfort zone. Okay lesson or lessonsss learnt (haha!). Now I no longer spent enough time in my comfortable country, no more comfortable friends, no more comfortable job, no more comfortable healing, and no more comfortable nights. 

I am not sure if it was a change of career or more like a change of life as my career has been my only life by far. Shoot, I just realized that. Apparently, I have dedicated one-third of my life for my career, for the company rather than for my own happiness. Now that it is facing a "big" problem, my life feels like crumbling down into pieces. Yet guess what, I am in a recovery mode now. So I am writing this new post to remind every reader the things I have learnt so far this year from my big change in life. 

What lessons?

Hmm where should I begin. Actually it is just too much. Too many unexpected turning points here and there. I thought it was a change for a better me, but it was a change for a harder me. Let's break them down bit by bit. Not all, but should be a good starter. 

At the end of our lives, we will be buried or burned alone. 

Do you want to die with an unloved soul just because you rely too much on other's loves?

  1. Whom should I lean on? None, trust nobody and love none.
    Maybe it is easier to say this if we are talking about friends. But what about lovers? The betrayal is thicker than blood. Imagine coming into an uncharted territory and just right away building a relationship that ends up being the biggest betrayal of all time. I knew that in my school time, I used to be betrayed hard by my friend circles, I thought I will not face it anymore once I grew up and knew people better. Apparently, I was just a naive little spoiled girl. I need to learn harder before knowing what "I love you" actually means. You know what, I got badly tricked into believing that there is a pure love or there is a reality behind "The one." I thought that when someone treats me kind, or says that he loves me, then he does. It is not, actions are thicker than words, but later actions are even way thicker than earlier actions. So today I learnt the hard way to pace myself in every single thing. Do not be too intense in anything. Do not fall into the same trick again the next time. Do not be a simple little girl that is so easy to be amused with just popsicles. Always believe that nobody comes with a genuine motive, they always come with a purpose for themselves. Anything for themselves. So not even lover, not even best friend. Learn to love nobody, yet just be kind. 
  2. Should I be kind? Yes, but remember, no such thing called a payback of a kindness. 
    Indeed it was a dilemma to stick with being kind or blend into the broken circle. Everyone here seems to be living in such a hard life of competitions and politics. Imagine having someone being nice but not actually being sincere. They only do it for their own. Again do not trust anyone. Trust must be calibrated, dude! Then I can still be kind and be happy with myself. Okay, so what I meant was to remain being the original you, just be you. But the key is not to expect anything in return. Do not ever think about, "Oh I have done so much for this person, oh I have sacrificed so much for this person, why did s/he do such cruel things to me now?" The truth is just what we think about. Yet the question is, "Why did you do something that you did not want to do then?" If your answer is that you just did it because it was just the real thing you would do to anyone, then stop right there. It is enough. To do kindness is to stop at the finish line. Do not run again for another lap just because we want to seek a payback. Let me tell you the truth, there is no payback in this real world. Even when you find one, it is not. It is a prepay for the next motive. So do not think that the world will work the way we want, and do not ever expect one. 
  3. Not everything is my fault. Really? Yes, not everything is about me.
    Learn to be neutral. I am a very emotional person, I lie but my heart cannot. So I ended up showing the same exact thing on my face on what I really feel. But then I thought when people say that it is bad, it is immature, I thought that I am wrong. I used to blame myself hard for it. I used to feel very inferior towards myself because people around me tend to judge me hard for showing my real emotions. I read books on how to hide my feelings, then I got stressed because it is just too hard. Yet actually, once I faced the reality of the world (that's what my mentors are saying), I realized that it is not about being someone else to survive. It is about the right judgement at the right timing. It means, when something happens, it is not about judging it directly then letting my face show my immediate judgement. What I should do is not to fix my expression, but to fix the way I judge things. I should be more open towards where this world is taking me. I just follow to know, not follow to be laid down. While I am on its way, I should always be calm to observe what is happening, and be quick to see if it is a trap or it is a right path. Be open, be patient, and do not try to control the nature. Not everything that happens is a result of our doing, sometimes we are in a difficult situation because of others, and let it be. That is how the world works, we are not always the maker of the fate, the fate could also be the maker of us. 
  4. Yet, should I be passive? No. Chase what means something in life.
    Always try to find what you find meaningful in life. For me, I find that empathy and people development are the things that I really love. I love to look into the depth of what meets the eyes and what not. I love to see how people grow bit by bit. I love to observe every single detail in human being, and what does each of them represent. It is very fascinating to learn about human being and their behaviors. It is a combo of psychology, sociology, anthropology, and even philosophy I would say. The mind flows are very unpredictable. And once we can digest it well, analyze it well, we can then find it predictable bit by bit, then it feels like hitting a jackpot. That is why my brain is always active for this purpose. I should let go of my career this time, it is ok. I do not need a huge amount of money to survive anyway. I am enough. Now as I shifted my career to a hard one, let me enjoy this fascinating hobby of mine. The arts in every nature. Or, maybe I can even make it into the purpose of my career, but again, I do not want to expect too much. I just do what I can, help what I can, learn what I can. At the end of the day, it is back to my meaning of life: exploring the arts in every nature through my gift of empathy and people development.
  5. What if I fall? What if that triggering trauma comes to say hello? Face it hard with joy.
    I would say, I am not a person with an interesting hobby. I really love to play piano, but my piano is not always around. I really love to be stuck in front of a deep art, but again I do not go to museum often (pricey mannn). I really love to enjoy music, but I do not go to a live music bar often (again, pricey also). Then my mom will scold me for being too stingy for my ownself. Lol. Yes, I need to find a way to find a joy in life aside from my career. I need to be able to manage my time for leisure, and then find social life. To be honest, I do not even trust my social circle there, so what I would do is to learn to build a virtual community. Learn to get to know them online, find friends in discord, be connected with more people now. Learn to have a video call more often with people. Not only just for the sake of certain purposes, but to have a steady life. Rebuild my faithful life again online. What if this can bring calmness. Do online gym training, do online lesson, do anything I love while being locked in a country that blocks me from having a social life. I can have it, I know I can. It is a just a question of whether I want to or not. So when the trauma comes again like today (right before I started to pour out my mind into a new blog post), I should remember that I have people around me. I am not alone, and despite the hard career, there is always a way to solve it. Even when it is unsolved, just say sorry later. Again, point 3, not everything is my fault, not everything is about me. You too there, do not need to worry, not everything is about you. So just live the life you want, you like, and you love. You should not trust anyone, but you should trust yourself. You should not love anyone, but remember, you should love yourself!

I hope the answer is not. 

May we all live in peace and pour the biggest love from our heart into our own self instead of others. 

Then we can always say that we are loved, and it is enough.

Sunday, December 31, 2023

"Perhaps a so-called 25-crisis was real..."

Hi! I have been doing quite good recently and alive indeed. Thank God for that. 

2 years have past, almost 3 years I believed. 

I have moved on from the ungrateful past, the toxic relationships, and the nonstop working days. Love how things are doing now. I started to live independently in a rent unit, one and half years already. It felt so lonely at first, but I got used to it quite fast. In fact, my health has been better both physically and mentally. I finished my therapy (or half-finished) and I started to spend more time with my friends and my significant other. More gathering, more spending for the things that I have been craving of. Well yeah, I have one important person now. He is super caring and extremely kind to the extent that I become calmer day by day because of him. So thankful for his companion in all my ups-and-down.

What about my weekdays. 

What about it? Not much expectation, at least no more. Can you imagine everyday you wake up only to be able to voice out your concern without having the control of what the ends will be. Yes, pretty much a daily routine that has no sparks in it even once in a while. Nothing inspiring and nobody cares. Yet somehow I am still here, drawing lines in my calendar hoping that one day I can get a new canvas with a whole new supporting family. But not so short, some dreams just got to wait a lil'longer.   

Hello 2024. 

Hello new year! Just when I thought about making a resolution list, this idea popped up that I still have this blog which has been outdated for years. Oh, poor you. But don't worry, I am here to let you know that my resolution list is still the same since 20 years back: becoming more discipline. I mean.. what else is better that that.

  1. Wake up early at 6am. 2 hours for a morning routine: 1hr for shower & skincare, 1hr for breakfast & Netflix/game. Sorry, but I still love games.  
  2. Resume my def-cal diet. Yes, I have lost 10kg in 3 months without killing myself slowly. Breakfast drink, lunch meal, and dinner drink. Let's continue to reduce it 5kg more before I leave for a ski trip (olala). 
  3. Office focus from 9am to 7pm. 10 hours should be enough for a day. Nothing more please. Thus I have to focus myself in the office with my loaded work (yet such a routine). 9-12 work, 12-2 break, 2-7 work.
  4. Gym night at 9pm. Let's not waste the gym membership any longer. Time to wrap it off with a good fit just after I finish my dinner and me-time after office. 2-3 times a week should be okay. 
  5. Sleep at 12am. No longer than 1am, because I gotta wake up at 6am again.
Hope everyone gets their resolution list realized, and happy new year fellas! 

Sunday, October 17, 2021

, ,

Till I tell the world how life has been

"Hi, how are you?"
A shallow question that everybody would ask without having to mean it.

"Good! Thanks"
Not even an inch of honesty from a thousand miles of truth

For some days are hard to tell, and emotions are too deep to unveil.
Let the world be quiet and silenced.

Till I tell the world how life has been.

Tuesday, July 6, 2021

Thursday, July 1, 2021

,

An Hour of Despair

That night she took a walk,

alone under the dark night sky.

Nothing went over her head,

only a buzz of ways to make the thing real.

She took a left path,

then she stopped and turned around. 

She took another longer path on the right.


It was a long walk. 

At times, she met strangers walking back, 

she tried to look at them in the eye, 

but strangers are strangers.

Another guy asked her what she was doing, 

she nodded and smiled.


The construction was there, she almost arrived.

The place changed quite a lot since the last time she came by.

Doubts were lining up, 

but the more doubts came in, the more real it became.

She finally decided.

She went to a serene corner filled with empty seats.

She sat in the third row and said goodbye.

The last time she came and kneeled down, 

her uncle passed away.

That time she kneeled down again,

her father passed away.

Perhaps this time, her soul walked away.

Tears crawled down, and cries were echoing.

May the kind people be blessed.


She walked out through the empty aisle,

tried to find the gate keeper, but no one was around at that hour.

She looked for a cave,

yet it was too dark to find it.

She left the place.


She turned around and looked up to the sky.

It was enlightened, brighter than 45 minutes ago.

There were stars here and there.

The longer she stared at them,

her heart was consoled.

Her mind was cleared, 

and her eyes rejoiced.


She walked back home.

An hour ended.

Thursday, April 22, 2021

Thursday, December 31, 2020

, , ,

A New Beginning

Reminders for a better life

1. You do not need a friend to stay alive

Friends are not related to you. They often betray you and leave you. Their definition of friendship is not pure, it conflicts with their personal needs. They will come to you when they need you, and they will leave you once their needs are fulfilled. By then, they will call it "We are just friends, this is enough." They take you only for granted, and they may accuse you of having feelings towards them if you want more reciprocity in the friendship. So remember, you only need to know them as a person (stranger) and keep it that way.

2. Breathe and forget the past

Stay alive. Even when life gives you a stone to eat, you do not need to eat it. Forget the past. Forgiving requires more than pure intention and action. There is no point in forgiving them anyway, they will not change to be a better version just because they are forgiven. So might as well, you start to forget and bury them deep down.

3. Trust none, but yourself

After learning that no one is actually a friend of yours, why do you need to trust anyone? Yourself is worth more. I did not believe in self-care before because I thought it was selfish and self-centric. Yet after several times being betrayed by pure kindness, I learnt that the world is cruel enough to let you down multiple times within years. No one is purely nice, remember that. You only need to play your act and then get things done.

4. Silence gives you more privileges

Being nosy around to help others does not exist anymore in this world. So just maintain the decorum quiet, at least, the decorum of your sight. Talk when it is necessary and asked. By then, learn to be more discipline and finish all your tasks well so that you do not need to talk to anyone.

5. Nothing lasts forever

Oh, even someone's marriage does not last forever. Not because the other one died or divorced, but simply because the pure marriage is tainted. Friendship also does not last forever.

Why would you start on something that will end up anyway?

Sunday, September 27, 2020

The Unstoppable Tears

There it comes again

I am overwhelmed with all of this

No guidance, no direction

Only an ideal sweet candy that everyone also wants


I am exhausted, really.

Saturday, September 26, 2020

Monday, September 21, 2020

, , , ,

She hurts, deeply

 She wonders why people can live so freely.

Everything has changed. 
She left it all behind, but it all came back once the conversation started.
They both are connected by another relationship that cannot be denied.
For her, it left a mark and a loneliness. 

She spent her days, weeks, and months,
trying to fix what was broken, trying to stick all the pieces.
And whenever she felt like leaving to get into a new life,
it did not go as expected.

She wanted to take a break, and she is still wanting it.
Yet, the undeniable relationship keeps getting in between.
What is worse than a self-abuse. 

Sunday, January 19, 2020

Are you okay?

I just wanted to tell you what happened.

That thing that haunted me these recent days, 
has been crazily echoing inside my head. 
I could not see it.
I could not talk to it.

When I fell into a deep sleep,
it became real. 

I ran, I ran, I ran further.

Now I got tired because of running.
That thing is still there, waiting to chase me again.

Sunday, November 17, 2019

, , ,

Called Twice-a-Day

She once said to me that I should not tell him everything
Yet, what should I do now, everything has been told
Him, whom I trusted to be someone that can listen and understand
It was a good time

Now, I do not think so.
The more I tell him, the more it becomes a boomerang
Depicted by how he asked to then judge
He knew about the stress and he asked why, expecting a solid answer
Then judged like it is a small thing that is easy to solve yet I am too weak to deal with it
Excuse me, what are you doing now?

Oh then, it was such a right time for him to judge for more
Thank you and I do regret it

Even when I am writing this, I cannot really lash out at him
I do not take this as an opportunity to revenge the anger
It is more to a reflection that this whole time the fact is revealed
The problem is telling a problem to the source of it

I learnt something now
I should not trust him from the beginning
A blunt expectation from a naïve person
Expecting a person that does not even realize that he makes it worse
Every day it becomes worse

Such a relief to finally put everything in writing
Someday he may read this and recall that
A girl does not demand for a pity or a judgement
Please differentiate the way to care about someone
With the way to judge someone

Sunday, April 21, 2019

,

You cannot talk to them.

It is so exhausting.
You cannot talk to them because they will never understand your side.

Even if they stay silent, that does not mean that they understand.

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

, , , , , ,

Anxiety-go-Round

Everyday you wake up trying to fight it
with heart full of dread and burden.
You put a smile on to appreciate
each day of survival.

On the next day, you face it again the same way.
Until one day, you got tired of believing in yourself
that you can surpass it.

Last night you were dreaming about a piece of paper
scratched by a man, torn by a woman.
You have been carrying it around since you were 10,
wishing that you can collect more tomorrow.
Maybe your mind is insane, or merely people’s heartless thought.

Let us take a walk to the beautiful night street.
You see that?
The lights are smiling at you.
You hear that?
Your nightmare is haunting you.

It hurts.
It does.
Forever.

Oh hey, are you still there?

Cheer up to the day of sunshine.
You cannot have more light after this.
The heart is beating so fast.
Help you!

Can anybody help you?

Sunday, January 27, 2019

, , ,

A Long Trip

Everybody forced to get in because every second did count.

Yes. I was inside one of the public transports we got here.
Let us call it a commuter or most of the time, a bus.
Weekdays, 1.5 hours to the not-so-amazing building, 2 hours back to lovely home.

Airpods on, playlist repeated over and over again.
When I was not too sleepy, perhaps a classic game can help kill the time.

The best thing was to observe people.

The guy with a black shirt was sitting there with an office bag.
He was bored and switched on his phone scrolling on some feeds.
Oops, somebody came. An old woman with pink blouse and an old bag.
He stared at his left, oh no, another old woman. He then stood up and let her have the seat.

You know, there was a time when an old man was suddenly possessed inside the bus.
I was sitting in front of him. The operator asked everyone to move forward.
I was chilled, and not moving. The old man kept on screaming and, I did not understand him, he took off his shirt and socks. He was sweating and his eyes opened wide.

"Next stop..."

Okay, there you go. The operator forced him to get out from the bus because of the chaos he caused. Everyone helped the operator to persuade him to get out. Finally, a security from the bus halt came and carried him out. Hmm. Such a relief.

Anyway, I have to finish my task first. Shall talk about this long trip another time.
If you want to, you can have your own unique experience and share it here.

Happy observing!

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

, ,

Craving for something.

If tomorrow is a no day,
I want to speak a word that no one has never wanted to hear,
that no one has never tried to understand,
that no one has never taken it seriously.