I have been getting through these months toughly. To be honest, there were a lot of unexpected moments that suddenly hit my mind harshly. Was it a reality? I have been wondering all day long to avoid the fact that I am just no one but a person who needs another one to care.
Too pitiful, too pathetic, too sad, too miserable of me.
I once tried to find one who really understood my feeling. I said to him that she just looked like my very close friend that always understands how I am now. I also said to him that she is like the best one I have ever had. However, probably I am just too positive about it. She never thought so. Not even thinking of it now. She pissed me off last night with all the words that would have never been in my mind. Not even a single shot of flash.
She is good. She is true. She is absolutely correct.
I cannot be too dependent on someone like her. I am supposed to be someone that is able to live by myself. I must be someone who only cares to the world in one way that there would be no any reciprocal relationship between us. It is so true that the world is full of the deaf instead of the mute. Craving all day long, all night long, for nothing but a single understanding.
Perhaps that was the last time I could believe in someone after being ignored and distrusted because of a man, after being misunderstood, and after all the time that I have given to her. Perhaps others might say, "What are you doing? You have never been this dependent of someone else. You have never been this caring of someone else. You are different." Or now those questions may just turn their lead into a reversed moment.
Tomorrow...
I would like to care for myself and those who needs that. I have given too much to her that she reached the point in which she is no longer taking it as a serious affection. I know right. Too much will only remain me with nothing. I once made a wrong decision to go too far beyond what I did to others. Now I have to turn back to my old life. I have to respect myself that I can do this alone. Even when I looked at myself in that dark room, I saw myself alone. I did not see any other men beside me. Not even a single sister. Yes, I can do it right? I am just dreaming.
Professionally acting towards this condition is another option though. I should not tell her what she will face later. I should not warn her about the bad things. I should not treat her in a distinct way. She is just the same as others though. I cannot see that special affection from her anymore because after all, she just felt uncomfortable with me. So why should I?
It is easy, isn't it? No.
Not that easy to leave a person. I have one that I have been missing him for years. That person even still cares about me. Then, why should I care about this single person who does not even give a single care about me. I lost in my own optimistic mind that she is my sister. I think that is why God gave me no sister, but a brother. It is just as simple as a puzzle in which a small piece will not fit.
I merely found a nostalgia momentum which will only be gone through with a certain period of time in my life, leaving the deepest scar that would never be healed that easily. I am too tired for begging for a memory. I created this mess by myself. I carelessly turned myself into a sister. She is right. I would never be one for I am just no one but a person who needs another one to care.
Right?