Less than 100 words.

This might be my second time. The atmosphere in the praise and worship moments with grandparents was so different. I could not imagine whether I would be as happy as them when I am getting old. That moment, however, taught me that life is not that boring once we get sixties though. They were laughing through the melodies and smiling in the midst of prayer. I reflected the way they live as one phenomenal quote saying that what matters is not the years in our lives, but our lives in those years. Those grandparents proved the truth of it.

I can't remember how it feels like not to be tired.

source: google image

Perhaps you know?

It is not like a sleepy tired. Even when I could sleep for a thousand years, I would still be curious about the answer. Some of them said that we cried for what we have achieved because there is nothing more to do. If that so, I do not think that I have achieved that point. Not even close to it. Every single thing happening currently is taking all my energy away. Probably one thing to describe it is that,

I AM TIRED.

PHYSICALLY.

EMOTIONALLY.

MENTALLY.

I AM JUST TIRED.

Well, it might be too much.

I am moaning too much.

I am complaining too much.

I am thinking too much.

I NEED A DAY OFF. 

OFF OF EVERYTHING.

which is IMPOSSIBLE

Have you ever imagined of being alive without being alive?

Being existing without being existing?

Like how we live our life freely.

Things are getting more complicated day by day. 

I miss my old days.

... and now I am tired of explaining why I am tired.

That kid was going out with his enemies.

Did not want to be anywhere else. But here. 

It was such a guilty pleasure. 

Hanging out around and around. 

Having those bottles of old whisky. 

Going back in the dawn.

He wore a black shirt along with yellow tie. 

His skin was a bit darker.

He drove a black Lamborghini with yellow lines. 

He did attract yesterday's attention. 

What If

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------------------------------------------------------What if.-----------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------What if they are wrong?-------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------What if I am the one who is wrong?------------------------------------

------------------------What if I am the one who cannot tell everything to them?------------------------

--------------------What if I am the one who hide myself in the corner of their life?--------------------

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------------------------------------------------------What if.-----------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------What if.-----------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------What if.-----------------------------------------------------

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--------------------------------------------What if they are wrong?-------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------What if.-----------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------What if.-----------------------------------------------------
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Not to be clumsy to face the truth.

Oh yes! 

It has been a long long struggle! 

Currently I am having such a hectic schedule to do. 

Move move move! 

Anyway, hi readers! How have you been?

Hopefully everything is alright, or at least okay. Lol. 

I wanted to introduce you to my new EPIC friends. I met them during my job as an assistant of the student life officer in my beloved university, UPH. They are such a great couple (not boy and girl), I mean couple of friendship. Haha. When I was talking with both of them, it was so funny. Lucky to have them. 

Let say one is the junior. He is very smart and nice. Not that talkative, but not that quiet either. I really envy his ability of self-control in any situation. Or maybe I just still cannot figure out what lies behind his face. Hopefully there is nothing so burdened. Apart from his quietness, he is such a lovable friend. He can make us happy with his silly joke. In fact, he will try to do anything when it comes to a down moment. Thank God to have him whom I assist.

Well, then we go to the second one, the senior. Pretty smart and unique! He is wise, yes he is. I know that when both of them are very nice to me. And this guy probably knows that I want to be very nice to them as well. He can figure out what lies behind my behavior. Not a magic. Or perhaps God has sent him to reveal the truth. No. Not all. But at least, he did that. He made me look very weird as what I truly am. Will we meet again? Or even though we will not, at least, remember what you have spoke out about me. 

_________________________***_________________________

"You want to be friend with them. They do not want to. They just consider you as someone freak. You try so hard to join them. They just mock you. They hurt you, but you do not want to hurt them back. You want to be with them. Buy you are just not part of them."

This is the saddest moment when I should say that I do not deserve to be loved. I have once taken a psychological test and it turns out that I go to the extreme point of being fearful. They said that being fearful means that I feel that I do not deserve to be loved by others and hence I avoid others. Am I so? Or am I just exaggerating myself too much? Let say yes, so that I do not have to make any adjustment to stay strong.

"You keep asking 'why' to yourself. You want a fairness. You are someone that realizes everything happens because of a reason. But then you do not know what is your own reason to become like this. I think I am missing something. Something that only yourself can figure it out. Do you know?"

 Oops, somebody just stopped by. She said sorry for borrowing my stuff for too long. I guess my roommate just said to her too much about what I did. I asked my roommate if she saw my stuff. Suddenly the borrower just came and felt so guilty because of it. Yes, girls stuff. Whatever. Nevermind.

"There is a lady that looks like your mom. She is the only one that you have ever confessed something to. Not sure. But she looks like a mom. Someone who is older and has the nature of motherhood. Is she your mom?"

 Me and my family are okay. Okay. Yes okay.

"You always have a goal to reach. You try your best to achieve everything. But. You do all those things not for yourself. Not for your own pride. But for whom? Do you have someone in mind?"

 I do not feel happy. I have never achieved something and felt happy after that. It might happen. But temporarily. Not an endless happiness. So pity.

_________________________***_________________________

Hope to see you again my two awesome friends.

Thank you for being there.

She.

Dear God,

She is people's listener.

She is no one's spouse. 

She is no one's friend. 

Some said she is perfect.

Some said she is bossy.

Some said she is selfish.

She was born to be a leader. 

She was born to be a burden.

She was born to be a disturber.

She is a very critical girl.

She is a very outspoken girl.

She is a very sensitive girl.

She smiles and laughs out loud.

She mumbles to herself. 

She muses in a crowded place.

She loves to be an observer.

She holds a grudge.

She remembers every single word you have said.

She leans on God.

She feels deeply sad. 

She cries in the heart.

She could not tell anyone.

She did not mean to hurt people.

She really wanted to be friend. 

She wanted to know people well.

She wanted to joke with them.

She wanted to care and to be cared.

She could tell anyone's feeling.

She lied to hide her potential.

She lied to remain silent. 

Will she survive?

I am SHE. 

She is me. 

Amen.